High School Latin Can Get You in Trouble
by healingmirth
Summary: The prank of a lifetime falls into Jim's lap. Or his general lap area. Written for cliche bingo on LiveJournal.


"The truth is," Jim starts to say, and Dwight cuts him off.

"Fact: The first thing that bad liars do is declare that they're telling the truth," Dwight says.

_Fact: you are still one annoying motherfucker_, Jim thinks, but antagonizing Dwight right now is not in his best interest.

"You should know, I've filed a complaint against the policy of granting paternity leave," Dwight says, "so if you insist on following your egirlfriend/e around to her doctors appoints like a poor little puppy, you'll owe the company money back when it's struck down."

**

"In six documented generations of Schrutes, the father has never been present for the birth of a child," Dwight says. "We also don't require pre-natal care."

**

Dunder-Mifflin has a very generous family-leave policy, a policy that Jim thoroughly intends to take advantage of. He really does want to be there for all of Pam's appointments, and paid time out of the office is just a bonus. Irritating Dwight is also a bonus.

"The thing is," Jim says, when Dwight interrupts him again.

"And don't think that you can claim that you're pregnant. Michael tried that to get Jan's medical bills paid and he was unsuccessful."

And sometimes, a good thing just keeps getting better.

"The thing is," Jim starts again, and pauses, his eyes scanning the room. "Not here," he says, "I can't," and then he stands and beckons Dwight into the conference room. "The thing is," he repeats once the door is latched and the blinds are closed, "I'm pregnant, Dwight."

**

"Well I didn't think it was possible either, Dwight," Jim says, adding a quaver to his voice for a threat of hysteria. He gestures down to his stomach, "but there you go!"

It was too much to hope that Dwight would just let this go for a couple hours until Jim could come up with a better plan. Dwight probably has a checklist.

"Are you an alien? No. Are you an android? No. Your medical records indicate that-"

"Wait, how did you get access to my medical records?"

"-you have a complete and uneventful medical history, and exams from a variety of doctors including emergency room staff that preclude the possibility of you having concealed the existence of a female reproductive system."

Jim is saved by some quick thinking, and some poorly worded googling about the upcoming Harry Potter movie.

"Look," Jim says, grabbing Dwight's arm and looking at him intently, "I didn't know it would work."

Dwight looks torn between suspicion and the desire to be in on the secret, so Jim just waits, and waits, until Dwight asks, "What would work?"

Jim leans in closer, looking nervously at the door, "Pam likes when I read to her, right? And after we finished _Deathly Hallows_, there was some fanfiction, and this incantation, and... it wasn't supposed to work, but it did, and, well..."

Dwight just says, "I'll still require proof," and heads back to his desk.

**

"Pam took these Photoshop classes for her graphic design program, right?" Jim says. "It turns out that it's really easy to fake forms and exam photos and ultrasounds."

**

Okay, so maybe Jim has put on a little sympathy weight, but it's embarrassing how much Dwight bought into the whole pregnancy thing. He spends most of the day watching Jim like he's expecting Alien to burst out of his chest.

Pam thought it was hilarious at first, but the morning-and-most-of-the-day sickness seems to have dulled her sense of humor a bit.

Jim's not ready to give it up, though. He just needs an exit strategy.

**

When the solution occurs to him, Jim only feels a little bit bad for taking advantage of the morning that Pam feels extra-sick.

Jim had worked up a pretty elaborate pregnancy routine: fake vitamins and special meals, exercises and stretching that he had to do 4 times a day. When he stops, it's pretty obvious - even though no one but Dwight seems to have noticed anything odd - and it takes less than an hour for Dwight to ask him about it.

"Oh, we fixed it," Jim says. "Found another spell, so now Pam's carrying both of them." Now all he has to do is come up with a reason to explain why Pam isn't going to have twins in 5 months./cut


End file.
